All I want for Christmas......

Ok I'm ashamed to admit, I messed up Christmas. I got a huge strop on a couple of days before, when Duane's back went and he was laid up. I had so much to do and had put too much pressure on myself to have a perfect Christmas and it all just slipped away. Hope I'll do better next year (note my new positivity please.)

4 days after I turned 30. WOOHOO!!!! Never thought I would be so happy to be 30 but I'm bloody thrilled! It kind of feels like a new corner too. Another decade in front of me.

I'm reluctantly going on holiday on Friday. I have got in such a state this week deciding wether or not to go. The probem is (and please don't call social services) that we are going alone, as in leaving the girls oh no did I say that aloud? Seriously I'm terrified, guilty, ashamed, and going to miss them terribly. They're going to stay at Nannys house so (as the health visitor pointed out) its not like I'm abandoning them. Duane seems to think I need a break (lol?)and he's probably right. Everyone I've spoken to says I 'deserve' it. Personally I have trouble accepting that but because everybody said the same thing I have decided (2 days prior) to book the flight and go.

I'll let you know how it went.

I'm also hoping to go to the Penny Brohn Cancer Centre (formerly named Bristol) for a 5 day retreat. Now I know I need that. Mum found out they have funded places to help with the cost and if I can get some more funding elsewhere I may get a place. That's keeping me going at the moment. It will be a chance to reflect, and learn how to move on, relax, visualise and eat healthily) sounds like heaven.

Water and beef...could I be corned beef?

I spoke to a friend yesteday who, it emerged, had been put on the same happy pills as me. Seems she too is having very vivid dreams, so now I know what thats all about. Really, its like living a whole other life now when I'm dreaming. Also it's proof in the morning that I've had a bloody good nights sleep! Something that was lacking previously. Ok the girls still wake me up at unearthly hours of the night, often several times but at least now after groping around bleary eyed downstairs for another bot-bot of milk, in the freezing cold and getting dirty feet, (yes I hate to admit my house is filthy but remember it is a building site) at least now I get back into bed and switch back off, floating back to my alternate planet.......

I used to lie awake, thoughts racing through my head. Racing so fast I could barely keep up. I'd stare into the darkness, afraid of my thoughts and afraid to sleep for fear of bad dreams.

Hey, but now night is no longer like that, and I hope thats how it stays for a while at least!

Oh and I wake up happy!! What a novelty, me? Happy in the morning? Who'd have thought it?

It is strange being on medication. I sometimes feel as though its a false sense of security, a false happy?That I'm actually hiding the real me. But most of the time I feel like this is the real me, and before it was hiding behind all the crappy circumstances I've found myself in and in my head, me being me, gave far to much time and consideration to. Ok I think I contradicted myself there. Whatever I prefer to think this is me. Happy, calm and able (just, Im still human) to cope. (Had a row with Duane the other night actually which confirmed to me I'm still my old self as I was childish, it was funny though)

Ok I have reached a conclusion. I'm me, just watered down on the stroppy side of things, beefed up on the happiness.

Land of nod

I fell back to sleep this morning, (Jees that makes me feel guilty but it was good!). I was having a a really vivid dream that we'd bought a house somewhere on the coast (nowhere near here) it was like a country house and it had some stables out the back. As we moved in I joked about getting a horse, although I knew we couldn't afford it. After looking around the house I had my first proper look outside. We had a fairly steep but manageable bank/path that led directly to the beach which stretched out with golden sand. Going back up to the back of the house I investigated the stables. I had thought they were just a couple of shabby stalls in an oversized garden but discovered infact at least six, quality looseboxes and if I remember right another block a little further on beside a decent sized field. There was a neat muckheap near the yard and a larger one at the bottom of the field.
I realised I could start a livery business that would bring some income and pay for me to have a horse. I put an ad in the local shop that afternoon and got a call within hours. A mother and daughter came later leading a bay horse, nice, about 15.2hh. We introduced ourselves and I got him settled in. I asked what he was eating and was shocked when she reeled off a list of anything other than horse feed (sweets, chocolate, casseroles) I tried to explain that most horses ate mix or nuts, even oats, sugar beet but they were unfazed. so I thought to myself I'll just feed him properly. The days rolled on, I felt at home mucking out and doing all things horsey. For some reason when the Mum and girl arrived one night they questioned wether there horses stable had been mucked out. I was confused and realized despite being early evening I hadn't done it. Still I got pissed off when they started asking what was in his hayrack. "Hay" I snapped "its what horses eat". Ok they said and went on there way. I thought they were odd from the start, at least the mother. That night after they left I got a call from someone warning me that they frequently stabled the horse at different yards, only to leave without paying up. I was fed up at being taken for a mug and was planning how to keep the horse so they couldn't do a runner.

Also mixed up somewhere was the night before Abi's birthday and we couldn't afford to get her anything. I borrowed some money and desperately ran round the shops with an hour til close.

Anyway then I woke up. Realised we hadn't moved and I hadn't really got my own yard. GUTTED.

Its been a long time..

Fudge, the ankle killer :o)




I popped in here after leaving a message on someone elses blog that resulted in my name being published and a link to here. AaaaGH!!! That means theres a possibility someone could read it!
Well if thats the case I thought I'd better at least update it and lighten the mood. When signing in I accidentally typed 'my bog' instead of 'blog' but I laughed because that
really sums it up as it is full of s***. However it does show what a tough battle this melanoma brings on and how emotions can get overwhelming.
Well now I'm feeling a lot better, although not after first feeling alot worse! (yes I really could get worse). I ended up going to the dr's desperate. I'd turned into a moody, snappy, depressed person and was obsessing about dying. I hated being like it (not least for my poor family) and was VERY angry. The dr. was lovely. Very understanding and told me I was actually quite normal. (Funny that after I told Duane I was going I said I'd probably be put down under the dangerous dogs act!).
Cut short he has given me something to help me cope and I have to say I feel fantastic. My house is calm, me and Duane are getting on like a dream and I have my patience restored to deal with the daily dramas of having 3 young girls. HALLEJULLAH!
If anybody does stumble upon my ramblings and feels in a similar dark state of mind, I thoroughly reccommend getting help. I thought I was being weak and letting myself down by doing so but now I know thats not the case. Well if is who cares? I'm happy again and so is my family. (Funny how I always thought they were the problem not me! I know different now!)

Talking of family our house is ripped to shreds, I still have no kitchen or in fact living room or dining room, we've run out of money and to top it off Duane has (through no fault of his own) lost his job. Oh, and Christmas is coming) And I'm still happy, wow this stuffs good :o) ) I have run out of make up, and am smoking roll ups.

Yes I'm smoking. I had a trip to the oncologist who advised stress was much worse than smoking in my situation, so I'm going with that. He also advised me never to have any more children :o( sad but I know I'm fortunate to have 3 wonderful babes. So I'm getting sterilised.
I have had bcg injected into my armpits in the hope off boosting my immune system, another dose to come next week. I failed to get in the Australian vaccine trial due to having the wrong antigens.

I sprained my ankle a couple of days ago whilst riding on the downs. Fudge started rearing and plunging, I came out the saddle a little and was coming back down as he came back up, my ankle kind of jarred in the stirrup. It is mega swollen and very bruised. Quite impressive bruising I say. Lucky its the other ankle to my skin graft. I'd hate to think what would happen if that swelled up!

Well thats enough for now, I'm gonna go and figure out how to add pics here. Bye for now xxx

Hello I'm back

Ok so I haven't been here for a while. It's not like I don't need to come here or I'm so busy or happy I've not needed to come. I've been UP and DOWN big time.When I'm up I've had loads to say but filled my little world right up with stuff to do. When I've been down I've also had lots to say but it's all very depressing.
I keep rotating between severe bad moods when I have so much anger brewing in me I feel like a teenager. It's a horrid feeling. RRRAAGGHH!!!! Honestly haven't felt like that for a long time. HATE IT!!!! And then I have the whole uplifting feeling of euphoria. God I'm glad to be alive, want to get fit, enjoy life, make the most etc...
Gonna go again now, got so much to say but not tonight, not after I've had a bottle of wine. oooh am I naughty? Are cancer patients allowed a bottle of wine or is that asking for it? XXX

Cracked up and moving on...

It was inevitable. I had a stonking row with Duane last night. He came to bed asked me if I wanted to talk, he said I wasn't myself and something was up. I replied with the usual 'nothing' a few times but it wasn't washing so started to try and explain that things had changed for me, priorities etc. I wanted to say I didn't get the impression he felt the same and life for him seemed to have gone back to normal but as soon as I mentioned priorities he jumped in 'this is all about me going to the pub after work' I said no but in a way that was confirming my worries. I don't understand why he doesn't want to come home from work and be with me and the girls. Same argument I mentioned before. He said he needs some release of stress seeing as he's given up everything else (I got the impression he feels he's done that for me) and started on about I've given him no support with giving stuff up. I don't think thats true, another argument - asked him if there was anything else he was pissed off about to which he replied 'the whole job lot'. That started me crying, he got pissed off I was crying and shouted more (usual) I tried to go back to what I was trying to say in the first place, that all I was wanting to do was tell him how I was feeling, not argue. I told him I was feeling down. He basically told me to pull myself together he doesn't accept that my prognosis is 50/50 thinks I have a much better chance than that and I'm being too pessimistic.
I'm not too sure where it went from there but it got very nasty, cold and basically exactly what I really didn't need. I cracked, went outside to get away. Felt bloody awful, cried my eyes out which is probably exactly what I needed. Bollocks to Duane making me feel guilty for being low. Why shouldn't I? Surely I'm allowed a couple of bad days with all thats happened? Went back to bed after about 20 mins. Still bloody argued. Wanted to come here and express my feelings at all the insensitive nasty words he was throwing at me. Ended up just shutting it all out whilst the tears rolled down my cheeks. He fell asleep and after maybe an hour of silent crying, I did too.

I Woke up with a feeling of release. Ok my relationship is pretty much obliterated but thats nothing new, but somehow, despite the swollen eyes, I felt better. Must've done some good all the crying. Duane went off to work and I went to St Georges to the Plastics Dressing clinic to get the wound from my groin dissection checked. My Dad took me up there whilst Duane's sister looked after the girls.

Had a really good chat with my Dad on the way there which we don't get the chance of often. Talked about the melanoma thing first, I explained what I knew about the vaccine trials I was being offered. We discussed it all realistically and with a sense of humour, confirming to me that I haven't lost the plot and I am actually coping ok, despite a bad few days. We talked about alternative treatments (there are so many you could get bogged down with but some could be worth a try) stress and how to deal with it (Dad has been in hospital recently too, with chest pains that after an angiogram to rule out heart trouble, the dr.s put down to stress) and I told him Duane and I had rowed and we were basically clashing over the whole thing. It's the Mars Venus problem. He said you can try and get each other to understand you're side of it til you're blue in the face but it never works. I know he's right.

At the clinic the nurse removed my dressing and steri-stips. WOOHOO!! I can now have a proper bath for the first time in about 2 months (Yes of course I've been washing everyday but there's nothing like a warm, bubbly bath).

On the way home we stopped for lunch. Can't remember doing that for a very long time (if ever?) just me and Dad, it was nice.

This evening Duane has gone out to a friend's surprise 30th birthday bash. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest that, it's an event. Good reason to go out if you ask me. He asked when he came home from work (he often does ask and I can categorically state I have NEVER said no), I said, in my new found happy mood (well happy with everything but him and I to be blunt), that he can do what he likes, go to the pub daily, drink, smoke stick shit up his nose, he can get on with his life how he likes. Of course he said I'm being silly now, am I? Yes probably, but I have never wanted to make him unhappy and if thats what he wants he can get on with it and I shall get on with my life (part 2). I so wanted to do it hand in hand with him, I'm not half as brave on my own and I can't really foresee we can possibly walk seperate paths on this journey, but for today, I feel better thinking that might work.

As it happens he's just this minute walked in and its pretty obvious he's done all of the above things I told him to get on with and do. I'm not bothered in the slightest, I hope he's had a good time. I do love him and I so wish one day we can learn to relate with one another.

Oh and have I mentioned yet, my girls are bloody amazing. Gorgeous. I love'em to, well, death. (God where does that saying come from?)
I don't suppose I had mentioned it because most of this blog has been me moaning about how shit I feel. Poor old me. Well now I'm starting to get it off my chest, maybe IF there's anybody reading this (and they haven't slit their wrists), maybe I'll start lifting the whole mood, stop moaning and learn to enjoy this new chapter in my life. Because I am lucky I have so much to enjoy.

ok today I'm feeling better. Have read a blog by someone at stage 4 and its everything I wanted mine to be.Full of courage and humour. I'll keep trying.
I know the real problem is that Duane and I are not seeing eye to eye. I'm moaning at him for spending so much time at the pub, (something he admittedly did when I was first dx because he couldn't face being at home. He sees me in a bad mood and can't handle it).
His reason for this is he's given up everything else, (we're trying to give up cigarettes) and weed (he used to smoke it every night) and now he needs something for himself. Says he can't come home from work stressed and deal with the kids. He has to go to the pub after work to chill out before coming home. Said he has to have something to enjoy.
He can come home and have a refreshing drink and chill out. Why can't he enjoy me and the kids? I suppose being so miserable as I have been the last few days gives him more excuse not to want to be here.
I see things differently now. There's a real possibility I won't live to see my kids grow up and thats changed things for me. Priorities and life in general. I don't think anything much has changed for Duane. He's said he's optimistic everything will be fine and he can't live with thinking otherwise. So therefore things must still be normal for him. But I can't stand petty arguing, him shouting at the girls, moaning at me that he's running out of clean boxer shorts. HELLO??? Can't you see things like me??? Aren't there more important things in life???
I guess we need to talk. Story of our relationship. We've never been good at communicating that won't change.