I forgot to mention that my CT scan was clear. Thats the best news we've had in a while. Trouble is a lot of people think that means I've got the all clear but unfortunately melanoma doesn't work like that.
I'm at home with the kids its summer holidays. Duane's Mum is here to look after the girls. The last couple of days I've been really down and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. Maybe I'll feel better when I can get out the house. I really wanted to start this blog a few weeks ago. I was feeling really strong and courageous and thought it might be a good thing to share with friends and family to show them how well I'm coping but now I've defeated that objective. I don't want anyone knowing how I feel at the moment. I know they'll say 'pull yourself together' 'be thankful your CT is clear' 'be positive' etc.. and right now I know they're right but I just feel like wallowing for a bit.
I'm scared I won't see my youngest daughter start school, that she won't even remember me. I hate the thought I might not be around to protect my family. I had nightmares when first diagnosed about that, watching one of my girls falling from a cliff but not being able to reach her.
I hate the uncertainty my future now holds. I feel like I'm now to live the last chapter of my life and there's so much pressure to get it right. Do the things I want, be the mother and wife I always aspired to be. I know I can't achieve any of that sulking in bed but it's my safety zone. Give me a few days I'll lighten up :o)