ok today I'm feeling better. Have read a blog by someone at stage 4 and its everything I wanted mine to be.Full of courage and humour. I'll keep trying.
I know the real problem is that Duane and I are not seeing eye to eye. I'm moaning at him for spending so much time at the pub, (something he admittedly did when I was first dx because he couldn't face being at home. He sees me in a bad mood and can't handle it).
His reason for this is he's given up everything else, (we're trying to give up cigarettes) and weed (he used to smoke it every night) and now he needs something for himself. Says he can't come home from work stressed and deal with the kids. He has to go to the pub after work to chill out before coming home. Said he has to have something to enjoy.
He can come home and have a refreshing drink and chill out. Why can't he enjoy me and the kids? I suppose being so miserable as I have been the last few days gives him more excuse not to want to be here.
I see things differently now. There's a real possibility I won't live to see my kids grow up and thats changed things for me. Priorities and life in general. I don't think anything much has changed for Duane. He's said he's optimistic everything will be fine and he can't live with thinking otherwise. So therefore things must still be normal for him. But I can't stand petty arguing, him shouting at the girls, moaning at me that he's running out of clean boxer shorts. HELLO??? Can't you see things like me??? Aren't there more important things in life???
I guess we need to talk. Story of our relationship. We've never been good at communicating that won't change.