Water and beef...could I be corned beef?

I spoke to a friend yesteday who, it emerged, had been put on the same happy pills as me. Seems she too is having very vivid dreams, so now I know what thats all about. Really, its like living a whole other life now when I'm dreaming. Also it's proof in the morning that I've had a bloody good nights sleep! Something that was lacking previously. Ok the girls still wake me up at unearthly hours of the night, often several times but at least now after groping around bleary eyed downstairs for another bot-bot of milk, in the freezing cold and getting dirty feet, (yes I hate to admit my house is filthy but remember it is a building site) at least now I get back into bed and switch back off, floating back to my alternate planet.......

I used to lie awake, thoughts racing through my head. Racing so fast I could barely keep up. I'd stare into the darkness, afraid of my thoughts and afraid to sleep for fear of bad dreams.

Hey, but now night is no longer like that, and I hope thats how it stays for a while at least!

Oh and I wake up happy!! What a novelty, me? Happy in the morning? Who'd have thought it?

It is strange being on medication. I sometimes feel as though its a false sense of security, a false happy?That I'm actually hiding the real me. But most of the time I feel like this is the real me, and before it was hiding behind all the crappy circumstances I've found myself in and in my head, me being me, gave far to much time and consideration to. Ok I think I contradicted myself there. Whatever I prefer to think this is me. Happy, calm and able (just, Im still human) to cope. (Had a row with Duane the other night actually which confirmed to me I'm still my old self as I was childish, it was funny though)

Ok I have reached a conclusion. I'm me, just watered down on the stroppy side of things, beefed up on the happiness.

Land of nod

I fell back to sleep this morning, (Jees that makes me feel guilty but it was good!). I was having a a really vivid dream that we'd bought a house somewhere on the coast (nowhere near here) it was like a country house and it had some stables out the back. As we moved in I joked about getting a horse, although I knew we couldn't afford it. After looking around the house I had my first proper look outside. We had a fairly steep but manageable bank/path that led directly to the beach which stretched out with golden sand. Going back up to the back of the house I investigated the stables. I had thought they were just a couple of shabby stalls in an oversized garden but discovered infact at least six, quality looseboxes and if I remember right another block a little further on beside a decent sized field. There was a neat muckheap near the yard and a larger one at the bottom of the field.
I realised I could start a livery business that would bring some income and pay for me to have a horse. I put an ad in the local shop that afternoon and got a call within hours. A mother and daughter came later leading a bay horse, nice, about 15.2hh. We introduced ourselves and I got him settled in. I asked what he was eating and was shocked when she reeled off a list of anything other than horse feed (sweets, chocolate, casseroles) I tried to explain that most horses ate mix or nuts, even oats, sugar beet but they were unfazed. so I thought to myself I'll just feed him properly. The days rolled on, I felt at home mucking out and doing all things horsey. For some reason when the Mum and girl arrived one night they questioned wether there horses stable had been mucked out. I was confused and realized despite being early evening I hadn't done it. Still I got pissed off when they started asking what was in his hayrack. "Hay" I snapped "its what horses eat". Ok they said and went on there way. I thought they were odd from the start, at least the mother. That night after they left I got a call from someone warning me that they frequently stabled the horse at different yards, only to leave without paying up. I was fed up at being taken for a mug and was planning how to keep the horse so they couldn't do a runner.

Also mixed up somewhere was the night before Abi's birthday and we couldn't afford to get her anything. I borrowed some money and desperately ran round the shops with an hour til close.

Anyway then I woke up. Realised we hadn't moved and I hadn't really got my own yard. GUTTED.

Its been a long time..

Fudge, the ankle killer :o)




I popped in here after leaving a message on someone elses blog that resulted in my name being published and a link to here. AaaaGH!!! That means theres a possibility someone could read it!
Well if thats the case I thought I'd better at least update it and lighten the mood. When signing in I accidentally typed 'my bog' instead of 'blog' but I laughed because that
really sums it up as it is full of s***. However it does show what a tough battle this melanoma brings on and how emotions can get overwhelming.
Well now I'm feeling a lot better, although not after first feeling alot worse! (yes I really could get worse). I ended up going to the dr's desperate. I'd turned into a moody, snappy, depressed person and was obsessing about dying. I hated being like it (not least for my poor family) and was VERY angry. The dr. was lovely. Very understanding and told me I was actually quite normal. (Funny that after I told Duane I was going I said I'd probably be put down under the dangerous dogs act!).
Cut short he has given me something to help me cope and I have to say I feel fantastic. My house is calm, me and Duane are getting on like a dream and I have my patience restored to deal with the daily dramas of having 3 young girls. HALLEJULLAH!
If anybody does stumble upon my ramblings and feels in a similar dark state of mind, I thoroughly reccommend getting help. I thought I was being weak and letting myself down by doing so but now I know thats not the case. Well if is who cares? I'm happy again and so is my family. (Funny how I always thought they were the problem not me! I know different now!)

Talking of family our house is ripped to shreds, I still have no kitchen or in fact living room or dining room, we've run out of money and to top it off Duane has (through no fault of his own) lost his job. Oh, and Christmas is coming) And I'm still happy, wow this stuffs good :o) ) I have run out of make up, and am smoking roll ups.

Yes I'm smoking. I had a trip to the oncologist who advised stress was much worse than smoking in my situation, so I'm going with that. He also advised me never to have any more children :o( sad but I know I'm fortunate to have 3 wonderful babes. So I'm getting sterilised.
I have had bcg injected into my armpits in the hope off boosting my immune system, another dose to come next week. I failed to get in the Australian vaccine trial due to having the wrong antigens.

I sprained my ankle a couple of days ago whilst riding on the downs. Fudge started rearing and plunging, I came out the saddle a little and was coming back down as he came back up, my ankle kind of jarred in the stirrup. It is mega swollen and very bruised. Quite impressive bruising I say. Lucky its the other ankle to my skin graft. I'd hate to think what would happen if that swelled up!

Well thats enough for now, I'm gonna go and figure out how to add pics here. Bye for now xxx